Football, bloody hell! - 3

Chelsea are unimpressed by UEFA’s punishment for Drogba. What next, Drogba for Pope?

Lee Bowyer looks for assurances at Birmingham City before signing. Let us begin with an anticipatory bail.

Tevez is joining Manchester City ahead of Liverpool as a sign of respect to United! Is Maradona sharing more than just his playing expertise with Carlos?

Cristiano Ronaldo has admitted he made up his mind to leave Manchester United last summer. The members of Secoya tribe in Ecuador should be surprised.

Michael Owen has published a brochure to sell himself in the transfer market. And each of his games for his future clubs would be a 2-sided leaflet.

Ronaldinho fears lack of minutes would ruin his World Cup chances. Considering his form, he has a better chance to make it by his actions in the stands than on the pitch.

Turkish federation has ousted a referee on the grounds of homosexuality. Handling the ball is of course a bookable offence in football.

Football, bloody hell! - 2

Uli Hoeness wants 87 million for Ribery. Is a stand at the Allianz Arena also part of the deal??

Javier Mascherano’s wife wants him to walk out on Liverpool for better weather. Two words for you Javier – “David Beckham.”

Phillip Senderos wants to make his loan deal to Milan a permanent one. A welcome boost for Arsenal’s ailing defence.

Barcelona must find £45M for Liverpool's Mascherano. All they have to do is sell their youth team striker to Manchester City.

If firing six past Andorra makes England favourites in South Africa, Australia should be given the FIFA trophy to keep for at least 16 years for their 34-0 rout of American Samoa.

Alex Ferguson has lined up Ashley Young to replace Cristiano Ronaldo. That should address the problems in the wing… for the opposition that is.

Man City is willing to commit £320,000-a-week on Eto'o wages. Now he can fulfill his childhood dream and buy the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Bacary Sagna wants to join Real Madrid. A small task of turning Sergio Ramos into stone remains.

Football, bloody hell! - 1

Alan Smith is moving to Stoke City. Not as if they needed more thugs. Maybe, the next one in is Joey Barton.

Newcastle United have been put up on eBay for sale according to believable reports. Now Mike Ashley will receive eggs in his inbox.

There are also rumours that the Stoke Management are in discussions with Hulk Hogan and Jack the Ripper.

Manchester City want Carlos Tevez. So what? I want Gisele Bundchen.

Matthew Upson wants to play in Europe to better his options with the National Side. He could probably move to Bulgaria and make himself useful to CSKA Sofia.

Kaka claims to have left Milan in order to help the Italian club during the time of the credit crunch. Maybe he should have just stayed and taken a cut on his multi-million pound wages.

Ancellotti’s temper is worse than Ferguson’s and hence he is a better manager, claims a Chelsea insider. If that was the criterion, should they not have appointed Dennis Wise?

Stoke City are apparently chasing the Manchester City ‘Hitman’ Ched Evans. I hope they did not take the term ‘Hitman’ too literally.

Barcelona FC goes around by the motto – ‘more than a club’. But by the number of names on Florentino’s shopping list, the motto would suit Real Madrid better.