Football, bloody hell - part 6

Birmingham striker Jerome wants his club to splash cash during the transfer market. Considering his form, they do need a replacement.

Roberto Carlos says Roma striker Adriano could still make Corinthians move. With the weight he has put on, he can move pretty much anything.

Real Madrid want Las Palmas star Viera - plus two teammates. Why don’t they just bid for the club as a whole and save the trouble?

Manchester City want Milan veteran Pirlo. News of the World claims that the next on their list is the British Museum.

Cole fires an air rifle during training. Balotelli throws a dart at a youth team player. Rooney, I hear, was seen pushing a cannon to Carrington last evening.

Dawson keen to use Spurs experience to strengthen grip on England spot. Yes of course. The bench is one place where England lacks in depth.

Brazilian Rogerio Ceni became the first ever goalkeeper in world football to score 100 goals. Abrahamovic now wants to sign him to replace the misfiring Torres.

Football, bloody hell - part 5

Nani is targeting the Ballon d’Or after emerging from Ronalod’s shadow. All he needs now is a rope to hang the trophy by and a crossbow.

Terry says he is confident that Chelsea is over their form slump. Russian vodka hasn’t lost its magic yet.

Dzeko’s move to City is going to cost the blues a whopping 38million pounds. Sheikh Mansour’s
son will have to do without his pocket money for a week.

Michael Owen claims he is ready and match-fit. Tall claim coming from somebody who is capable of picking up injuries while on the bench.

Liverpool welcome fit again Gerrard with open arms. Now they are waiting for Santa to bring them excuses when they lose next.

Balotelli is the first name on Guardian’s worst team award of the year list. Rumours claim that the Sheikh splurged as soon he heard the word ‘award’.

Alan Pardew insists he has no intention of selling his rogue midfielder Joey Barton. The Newcastle Police are taking him for free.

Nicklas Bendtner has been told there is no chance of him joining Lazio. Arsene Wenger was dejected by it and called it an act of typical Italian betrayal.

To err is human, to be Brazilian is divine...

There it was. The Brazilians were in town. And so was beautiful football. A rampaging victory over the African superpowers followed. The world rejoiced over the victory. The world mourned the angel’s a.k.a. Kaka’s sending off and the inevitable cheating by an African player. Things were back to normal again. Justice prevailed. Or did it?

Kaka epitomized what football should be all about. An extremely talented player who plays football the Brazilian way – the way it was always meant to be played. His fear of God was just another feather in his Champions League winning cap. But above all, he was Brazilian. And as the word goes around in world football, Brazilians could do no wrong. They were born to play football, and that too the beautiful version. Africans, in this case the Ivorians, on the other hand were the anti-thesis of what the game should be. Thanks to Rigobert Song and the likes. Rumour was that he once got booked for carrying an AK 47 on the field. But things have changed since that Cameroonian debacle. The World Cup has come to Africa. Period. But last night was proof of what is wrong!

“Fucking black bastard cheated,” screamed a friend of mine. An avid Brazil fan, he was swearing at the ridiculous sending off of Kaka, the Brazilian playmaker. The man who was fouled, Keita, was an African. As long as he was not beheaded or castrated, no Brazilian was to be cautioned or so said the rules of the game. After all, Brazilians could do no wrong. So when Kaka, the same guy who wears a Jesus on his vest, received the second yellow, there was public uproar. Africans cheated. Poor Kaka! God’s second son! Brazilian! What rubbish! I guess people have short memories. Remember Rivaldo in 2002? If you don’t, here’s a reminder. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RKo_50sWW4

There is no doubt that Keita could very well share the Oscar with Rivaldo for that spectacular piece of cheating. But then again, so could Fabiano, with his impersonation of Godson Kaka by using the hands of God to score his second one. And he too went to ground as if he was shot in the head at the slightest of nudges. But yeah, he is Brazilian and Brazilians are capable of doing no wrong. Coming back to the red card, Kaka was no saint last night. No fucking way. All the claims about Keita approaching Kaka from the back and charging into him are rubbish. (People who have just read about it and not watched it please keep your mouths shut.) Kaka raised an elbow, though not head high, at the onrushing Ivorian. And a raised elbow is a bookable offence. It is usually a straight red. So the Brazilians should at least be happy that the ban is just for a match. So shut up and stick to your simple task of delighting the world the Samba way!

Forever United

I recently got myself a Manchester United logo tattooed on my arm. The torture lasted 4 and a half hours (relatively quick according to the artist). And by the time it was done, I was a happy man. Now, I don’t expect many people to share my joy, or even understand it. Precisely the reason why I got it in a not-so-visible area. I am tired of explaining to non-believers what football and especially United mean to me. This is probably the last time.

I fell in love with Manchester United the day I saw them take on the table toppers Aston Villa in the winter of 1998. I was a novice among premiership watchers that day. I was unaware of the Busby Babes. I did not know that this was one of the most famous teams in the world. I did not know that Fergie was a Scot. My choice was based on instinct. One to support the underdogs. And the reds did not disappoint me one bit. The remainder of the season saw Manchester United fight their way up, in their now-famous post-christmas surge, and won an unprecedented treble.

More than a decade has gone by since that cold and fateful winter afternoon. Since my journey with Manchester United began. My faith in them has not moved an inch – very much in tune with one of the club songs that go, “We shall not be moved.” They have won many a wonderful game. And they have lost many a painful one. But through tears of joy and sorrow, I swore by the Ferguson’s red army.

And today, my friends ask me why, of all things, I got myself the tattoo of a football club. One look at the climbing debt and you will know that Manchester United’s future is not the brightest. Chances are, in a few years from now, they will have to sell their best assets to address their mammoth debts. And one day, the worst nightmare of every United fan will come true, and Ferguson will step down from the helm. And United may turn into a club that plays boring football. “What then?” ask my mates. And I have no answer. It could be my way of showing gratitude to them for giving me something to believe in year after year. It could be my way of appreciating the most beautiful football they showcased time and again. It could be my way of saying ‘thank you’ for giving a rebel his cause. At least for a while.

Football, bloody hell - part 4

Usain Bolt dumps Manchester United for new favourites Real Madrid. He is as fast with changing his loyalties as he is on the track.

Peter Crouch was selected to be part of the England squad that played Croatia. Capello sure is taking England to a ‘higher’ level.

Wenger hails Balotelli as one of the finest prospects in football. Can someone please tell him that the transfer window has shut.

Gael Clichy believes that harmony is back at Arsenal. Now probably harmony will play center forward to fill the hole left by Adebayor.

Butt key to Owen winning Manchester United move. I knew it was definitely not his form.

Arsenal go for Atletico Madrid whiz Keko. A couple of Gunners’ scouts were spotted waiting at the gates of his kindergarten.

Inter Milan boss Mourinho quietly seething over Balotelli red. Quiet? I thought it would take nothing less than death to get the Special One’s mouth shut.

Ince thinks that Sol Campbell left Notts County in hot soup. I hope it wasn’t as hot as the one Incey left Blackburn in.

Fabio Capello admits he has always dreamt of the England team. Now that should put a lock on the dressing room shower door.

Football, bloody hell! - 3

Chelsea are unimpressed by UEFA’s punishment for Drogba. What next, Drogba for Pope?

Lee Bowyer looks for assurances at Birmingham City before signing. Let us begin with an anticipatory bail.

Tevez is joining Manchester City ahead of Liverpool as a sign of respect to United! Is Maradona sharing more than just his playing expertise with Carlos?

Cristiano Ronaldo has admitted he made up his mind to leave Manchester United last summer. The members of Secoya tribe in Ecuador should be surprised.

Michael Owen has published a brochure to sell himself in the transfer market. And each of his games for his future clubs would be a 2-sided leaflet.

Ronaldinho fears lack of minutes would ruin his World Cup chances. Considering his form, he has a better chance to make it by his actions in the stands than on the pitch.

Turkish federation has ousted a referee on the grounds of homosexuality. Handling the ball is of course a bookable offence in football.

Football, bloody hell! - 2

Uli Hoeness wants 87 million for Ribery. Is a stand at the Allianz Arena also part of the deal??

Javier Mascherano’s wife wants him to walk out on Liverpool for better weather. Two words for you Javier – “David Beckham.”

Phillip Senderos wants to make his loan deal to Milan a permanent one. A welcome boost for Arsenal’s ailing defence.

Barcelona must find £45M for Liverpool's Mascherano. All they have to do is sell their youth team striker to Manchester City.

If firing six past Andorra makes England favourites in South Africa, Australia should be given the FIFA trophy to keep for at least 16 years for their 34-0 rout of American Samoa.

Alex Ferguson has lined up Ashley Young to replace Cristiano Ronaldo. That should address the problems in the wing… for the opposition that is.

Man City is willing to commit £320,000-a-week on Eto'o wages. Now he can fulfill his childhood dream and buy the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Bacary Sagna wants to join Real Madrid. A small task of turning Sergio Ramos into stone remains.